The Boyfriend Material

I have been planning to post this forwarded message from my e-mail a couple of days now, but just didn't have the right timing as I wanted to post other stuffs before submitting this.

This made me think of how I understand love.

***

Well, the present shall repeat an
unexamined past, di ba?

Since the present owes its joys and
sorrows from how much we have gained or
lost from the lessons of our past, allow
me to share some of my lessons with you, ha.

Lesson 1: Love takes time to blossom.
Do not rush it.

My ex-girlfriend and I rushed it.
Although it lasted for 3 years, much of
the last 2 years were wasted in role
playing.

We skipped courtship. We were both
available. We dated. Then we started it
off with nothing much to build the
relationship upon. There was no special
feeling. Practically, we did not fall in
love. It was like we gave in to the
social fantasy that a boy must meet a
girl and they would live happily ever after.

The fantasy worked for almost a year,
until it could no longer hold the weight
of reality. You cannot fake love. You
may try to feign it for a year or two.

The logic of long courtship is to allow
reason to prevail over the raging
hormones. That is not only for the girl
to determine who among her suitors
deserves her. It is also for the boy to
determine whether or not he loves this
girl more than anyone else in the world.

Love is a loaded word. And it must be
distinguished from "falling in love".

"Falling in love" is not love yet.
"Falling in love" is hormonal. It is a
feeling. You do not have control over
that. That's why you wonder why have you
fallen for this one and not with another.

But you can control how you're going to
deal with "falling in love". That's when
love comes in. That's when you let your
reason prevail over your hormonal urges.

It's either you ignore the feeling and
let it burn out, or you choose to keep
it burning. Your conscious choice makes
it a matter of love.

Love is not a feeling. It is a conscious
choice.

It is love when your choice is based on
respect.

That is, when you recognize that the
human being you've fallen in love with
is a person, not a thing or a mere means
to an end.

That is, when you won't force anything
on him, even your, because you are well
aware that love is not taking whatever
you want because you want it.

This is why often love is letting go,
when it is not wanted by your beloved.

A long courtship helps in sorting this out.

Short-lived relationships are most
likely those based only on "falling in
love", worse, only on social pressure.


Lesson 2: Do not enter a relationship
like you're hiring someone to love you.
Else you'd only end up crying like a 2
year old when you'd not get what you've
wanted.

Love is a matured emotion. One has to be
an adult enough to handle it. Adults are
supposed to have learned how to be
independent. Unlike, children who are
dependent on an adult's love, adults are
supposed to know how to take care of
themselves.

The problem with most young people when
they enter a relationship is that they
enter as dependent children longing for
love. This is not a loving relationship.
It's draining. Eventually, they'll
quarrel over little things and split up.

A loving relationship happens only
between independent adults. They enter a
relationship consciously committed to
love someone they have fallen in love
with and have chosen to keep this
feeling burning.

From: Mr. Diego Odchimar
UST Logic Professor
UP Graduate